Full Question: How do we balance honoring our parents and putting the Lord first in our lives (Matthew 10:37) in situations where it seems like these concepts are in opposition to one another? Especially as college students or soon to be graduates, when we are growing to become more independent.

To get to the root of this excellent question you first have to realize that at your stage in life, as you are finishing college and becoming a full-fledged adult, you are faced with two big challenges at the same time. The first is how will you follow the Lord as an adult and the second is how will you relate to your parents as an adult. You should expect both of these things to evolve to a new level. Separating these two might be a first step in helping you sort out your question.

Let me expand a bit. Before this time, you might have been involved in high school and college church “programs,” which served their purpose in their time. However, these programs are not eternal. Now, after the programs are done, you must take an active role in seeking the Lord. You must learn to say, “Lord, as a responsible adult, I am following You to the best of my ability.” This may be a big change from how you lived before. The second change that is happening is that you are growing in your relationship with your parents as an adult. An adult child has a different relationship with their parents than a child child. Have you ever thought about your parents through the eyes of a fellow adult? This doesn’t mean that you cut the relationship and do whatever you want. Rather, I like to think of it as meaning your relationship with them will become more intentional. For example, in your conversations you begin to ask them how their day has been and not merely the other way around.

Once you are clear about the changes you are facing, you are in a good place to hear some words from the Bible. The New Testament gives two sides for children to relate to their parents. First, there is the advice for children:

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land” (Ephesians 6:1-3). 

On the other side, there are Jesus’ commands:

“Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37). 

As a child child, these verses might be easier to follow, especially if your parents are Christians who love the Lord. As an adult child, everyone has to decide how their lives as adults following Christ and as adults who have more intentional relationships with their parents will fit into these verses.

            Jesus’ life illustrates both of these. Once, when His mother called Him, He didn’t go. Instead, He pointed to those around Him and said the ones who do the will of the Father are His mother and brothers and sisters (Mark 3:31-35). Later, on the cross, in the very crucible of agony, when He was speaking important words concerning redemption like, “It is finished,” He paused to entrust his mother into the care of John the Apostle (John 19:25-27). If you want to know how to follow the Lord and honor your parents, He is a pretty good example.

            In the end, you have to honor your parents. You have to obey them “in the Lord.” However, you cannot set aside the Lord’s speaking because of them. As an adult child, this is what you must work out. This may look something like this. If your parents are Christians, the Lord may speak through them and you follow. Then you’ve honored them and followed the Lord. This is the “easier” pathway. On the other hand, you may face a deeper challenge. You may sense the Lord’s leading in a way that is not according to the wishes of your parents. In this case, you must still honor them, but do so in the context of you following the Lord. Honor them and follow the Lord. Go out of your way to honor them, care for them, and be a good child to them. In the end, however, follow the Lord. Welcome to the wonderful realm of being an adult child who follows the Lord.